Thursday, November 17, 2011

LIVE Like the Angel You See Yourself Being in Heaven...Don't wait, LIVE that way NOW!

Dedicating this post to Catherine Sellers Smith.  She passed yesterday 11-16-11 at 4pm and has finally gone home to heaven where she has been released from all her pain. 

 It's heartbreaking and eye opening watching someone go through what she did with the same diagnosis as you. There were many times I wish I could take away her pain.  I'm heartbroken for the family and her young babies and hubby who like mine, never left her side.  Please pray for them.  She was so young.  I'm in awe how she handled herself. Through Cancer she was like a sister.  I felt a connection in the 6 months of knowing her I can't put in words.  She just understood so much.  I need to keep this bastard, this monster at bay.  When it takes over, it happens so fast.  I've seen this already from my break from BRAF and being paralyzed and now doing better.   Better is where I want to be and REMISSION is where I want to stay.  I do have the perspective knowing life on earth is temp.  I continue to be overwhelmed by the support I feel and consider myself an incredibly lucky girl that gets to live completely knowing how quickly it can all be taken away.  I don't always thank those that help me everyday in so many ways but please know I couldn't continue this fight without all the support I have near and far.  Never underestimate the fact that just because you aren't physically here you aren't helping.  You ARE and I have so much to be thankful for.  I enjoy moments better now and I hope that I can send that message to the world.  On earth, our time is temporary.  Trying to live like the angel in heaven I see myself being.  It's not easy to do, but something I strive for.  One day at a time.  Zachary helps me do that and his wonder of the UNIVERSE and Solar System and the Spirituality that exists puts me in an incredibly introspective state of mind.  We are all part of something BIGGER.  I BELIEVE.  Catherine, I feel your presence.  I will finish this fight we were once doing together.  REMISSION is coming, a CURE I WILL SEE.  Love you sweet angel, you can now kiss my 3 beauties up in heaven that sacrificed themselves for me.  You are yet another angel for me, I just know it.  Tell them their mommy loves them <3.  You have touched me and I'm glad you are at peace. If you haven't read her story, please do. Her strength is admirable.


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

MOMENTS...My precious MOMENT that I will cherrish forever...I love you Zachary DEAN...

Moments, Moments...I LOVE MOMENTS!

Zachary: "Mommy, when do I get someone to sleep with?"
Mommy: "what do you mean?"
Z: "like you get Daddy, when do I get someone"
Me: "when you find someone to love forever and get married"
Z: "Mommy, I love you forever will you marry me and sleep with me tonight?"

Omg, the sweetest most heartfelt moment. I know too well life is so so fragile. Love completely and enjoy moments. Definitely got mine tonight. I love you Zachary Dean. I'm so thankful for the moment, as moments in time are our everything. ♥. LoVe.

Hard to deny those curly locks and big blues sometimes ;-p. of course we had a snuggle or a trillion. He's a keeper. Sometimes I get down regarding the finality and true reality of not being able to carry another child or the thought of not providing Z a sibling, but then he blows me away and I have to remember that he's not even supposed to be here either. He's my miracle in and of himself. Continuously learning to be present and grateful in the moment and the now. Especially within this journey I'm on. It all can go away so quickly. Again, moments...I love moments ♥.


The bond between a mother and daughter is unlike any other and I'm glad we have that.  Enjoy your day, glad you are home to rest and focus on you.  I am happy and doing fine in Houston.



Life on Earth is Precious and Temporary-We don't always remember that... until it's too late...

Say I love you...and let's BE HONEST NOW...DON'T SAVE things until later...LIVE NOW

My LOVE, My biggest supporter... This is Jeff's Journey too.  
Our Honeymoon Maui, and Kauai July 2007

HE Married me through CANCER in 2006 and has never left my side.
That speaks volumes and I can honestly say with all our hiccups in
dealing with such a MONSTER I married up :-)  Most of the time I wish
Jeff didn't have the burden of "Jen" and strive everyday and am
motivated everyday to be the person for him that he is for me.
It's easy to LOSE the LIFE of now in stress and life is too precious to do that.

Life is an ADVENTURE...Embrace it and enjoy the moments.  We will get back here, we will!

Good times <3

     Let's remember to "be present" NOW and not after it's too late.  These pictures make me smile and remind me of my adventurous spirit that has always been part of me, but in this journey these last couple of years it has been hiding.  I'm committed to living without fear, in the moment and NOW.  It's all we have and these remind me to do that even within my limitations.  There is always that moment when you wake up when you can do yourself a favor and ask yourself..."How can I be better?, How can I love my family more?, how can I BE the ME that without waivering I can 100% honestly answer the hard questions that I'm living contently and exactly how I want to be.  Our inner voices and spirituality dictate our happiness.   Love the ones that love you and be authentic in your ways.  You can't go wrong with honesty to the core and BELIEVE.  BELIEVE in something BIGGER and better than us.  We are not in charge, but we are in charge of how we handle ourselves and the choices we make :-)

My heart is heavy as I type this and I ask all that are praying for our family pray for the Smith family.  Catherine Sellers Smith has been under hospice care as of late and is waiting for God to take her home.  It's now a matter of time, we just don't know when.  I pray for her husband and the 3 small children she leaves behind.  I hope they can find comfort in knowing she is with her maker.  We have always said that that day before both of our surgeries (May 11, 2011) it was no mistake we were sitting right next to each other.  I have been inspired and in awe of her strength and BELIEVE since day 1 and know she would only want me to fight my fight even harder.  She is definitely with me.  I can feel her.  Her story touches my everything and motivates me to fight even harder.  I pray for peace.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Fight the Fight with me...

My Brain wants to GO and my body says NO...

This combination isn't a good one for me and it's been an emotional weekend.  I end up wanting all this to be over and say enough is enough.  The longevity of it has me down.  Like I said on Facebook, somewhere in all this I lost my "Can do" attitude mainly due to this feeling of wanting so badly to feel productive and independent but not being able to follow through.  Friday my rash started coming back so we know 7 pills won't work for me.  I stopped 2 doses and am back to 6 and rash wise doing ok.  The joint pain I feel truly hurts and also the reason I haven't been updating either.  My right hand I can't get to stretch out and it feels like the bones in it are crushed.  Going to ask about physical therapy.  There also comes a point when you hit that wall wanting to be dealing with something else in my life.  Not wanting to always be talking about Cancer etc.  I know I'll break through this feeling, but a commitment I made to myself was to be honest so maybe I can help someone out there.  Definitely not Polly Positive today.....and that is OK.

love to you all!

Melanoma SUCKS!