Friday, December 2, 2011

Back on the Roller Coaster and a Little Sick to My Stomach Thinking About It All....

Quick Update to all my non Facebookers :-)

Yesterday's FB post:

It's official! My immune system is confused. It's not sure whether to fight my cold, my melanoma, or these horrible skin lesions and it's gone haywire on everything. The sores on my face hurt so badly, my body aches beyond belief, tired and in pain. I have so much support out there and believe in the power of positivity and prayer. Prayer is what I need at this moment. Pray for strength and relief. I feel my angels...I know who is in charge. I am OK ♥.

I went to the ER yesterday about 10pm because of 105 fever and skin lesions on my face and body aches everywhere.  Z was sick the past weekend and we learned really quickly that my immune system can't be compromised.  I got sick with a cold and ended up not being able to shake it all week.  Dr. feel like my immune system got confused as to whether it was fighting Cancer, my skin lesions, or my cold.  Throat yesterday ended up being on fire and my body heated up to 105.  Off the the emergency room I went.  Thankfully, our neighbors around here are like family.  Thank you Sue!  Sue came over and sat so we didn't have to load Z up while he slept.  Jeff drove me and I stayed the night getting IV antibiotics, fluids, and tests done.  I was released with ointment creme for my skin and antibiotics.  Came home and slept all day.

I was starting to feel better and got up to do a load of laundry, had dinner with Z and then felt run down again so came back up to rest while daddy did the rest.  While I was upstairs, a hot feeling of panic came over me as my leg doesn't feel right.  All I know how to do right now to calm myself down and keep my brain from going to the emotional land is to write, so writing is where I find myself.  Typing away so I can stay calm.  I need to stay on the intellectual side of my brain so I can focus on the facts and remain calm...So easy to blow it out of proportion due to fear.  Keep it intellectual Jen, you don't know any facts just yet.  Keep it intellectual.

Yes, tonight I discovered another lump in my right leg.  Right around my incision.  DAMN!  I WANT THIS BASTARD OUT.  It's so frustrating to dodge so many bullets, pull myself out of the fear just to come to more unknown.  CANCER is really scary and it's especially scary when you have a 3 1/2 big Blue eyed, curly haired angel starring at you that you want nothing more than to see them hit all their milestones.  I'm still a fighter and still an optimistic person, but even these people have fears.  I know I'm not the one in charge, but can be in charge of my attitude, but I can still WANT to see my little man grow up and be scared that I may not get that opportunity.  I wish that I could wake up one day and not have to think about CANCER, what it has changed in our family, and who will be there for my TWO PRECIOUS MEN IN MY LIFE in the event that I am not but I do.

I am a FIGHTER and it's ok to admit that even FIGHTERS get scared.  

I love you all, def. will be keeping myself healthy.  In the meantime, please pray I can keep my mind in the game once more and distract myself until my dr. appt. on Monday.  FUCK!  Yes I said it FUCK....I want to be more in my life rather than CANCER!  I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO HAVE JEFF DO OR HEAR ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.  The Burden of Cancer lays heavy on my heart.  I know I am loved and I know no one sees it this way, but it's the reality of genuine thought.  I'M HURTING TONIGHT....

SILENT TEARS ON MY PILLOWS, PLEASE BE MY STRENGTH...AND THE FUEL MY BODY NEEDS TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN.

love,

Jen

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Jen, sometimes you just have to say FUCK. You have every right to scream it from the rooftop, my friend. You are loved. And you are hurting. If any of us could take a little piece of your hurt away, we would. Obviously, we can't. Fuck. Fuck!

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  2. Jenny, Thank you for trusting us with your emotions.... For being authentic and saying what you feel. It is so important and we are here to listen without judgement, to support you, to pray for you and to be your strength in these moments. There are miracles in all situations in life and I believe you ARE one. I believe you will continue to beat this. I believe that you will continue to find a way out, to feel strong, to be healthy and to watch (with your wonderful Husband), that blue eyed, curly haired boy grow big and experience the best in life. I also know the Fear is real and it is NATURAL, UNDERSTANDABLE, OKAY and IMPORTANT to FEEL the feelings, acknowledge them and get them out. Thank you again, we appreciate your honesty and we love and appreciate you. I 100% sure I can speak for all of us :)
    Sticking right by your side sweet friend. Always in my heart and always getting all of my strongest prayers and love. I love you. I hope you sleep well and with beautiful dreams tonight.

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  3. Ditto what Ms. Borasi said! Also, just a thought, I heard that changing a kid's clothes after school and giving them probiotics reduces chances of illness. Hoping you all stay well! xoxoxox Also, let's get you a new recording. Much love... btw, Elliot sent out all her sticker requests for Z. :-)

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