Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Collection of Random thoughts...

       I have been typing in my blog things for the "save when I have time post"  You know what, it never came because I have been actively living life and then too exhausted to come back and post with what I thought was acceptable.  You know what?  I am going to just post the cut and pastes I have done so I apologize if there are spell types or grammar errors.  This is just a collection of thoughts that have been going on the last few weeks and I don't think I'll ever get around to finishing how I want.....

enjoy what I had written....

      So, much of this post will be a collection of things posted in facebook(FB) as so much that has been going on has been  chronicled there, but I realize many of you that come across my blog aren't on FB, or some of you don't FB etc. I apologize for the overlap but so many ahh ha's have been happening that I haven't had the chunk of time to sit down and blog, but i have time to post little snip it's to FB...

      I'm such a reflective type of person and have learned so much in the time I take to do that.  I don't believe in looking back and trying to "live in the past" or "live for what tomorrow WILL bring" but I do believe strongly that if we don't look back and handle the past and face it's joys and demons, good choices and bad and actually resolve un-finished emotions, one can never TRULY BE PRESENT.  That is a gift that CANCER has helped fuel me to do COMPLETELY because quite honestly, I don't have time to put it off.  That to me is a GIFT.  I don't have time to hide those uncomfortable feelings.  There is no more waiting to deal with something because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. There is no more waiting in general.  This past week, I decided it was time to do an email purge....All 6500 emails that were waiting in my inbox.  We no longer live in the day when the computer crashes when there is too many things as computers store more.  Really that means there is no urgency to get rid of anything.  I thought 6500 was a bit ridiculous.  I sat down and began....

      Part of the reason I haven't done it is proof in those 6500 emails themselves....(some of it SPAM), but most of it WOW....2011 really was one thing after another.     

So, haven't done an email purge in a LONG time...something like 6500 Tonight seemed to be a fitting night and well....all I can say is, UMmm 2011 Adios! Good *&^%)@ a complete understatement. 2012, YOU better believe I am HERE, I am PRESENT, and I am READY to bring it. There MUST be an UP to last year, I mean really....REALLY? Was that a nightmare I am just waking up from or what! I'm exhausted...Night, NIGHT and in a place of inner happiness and completeness....Don't wish my year on anyone, but if it takes that to get to where I am now....Just maybe it's worth it? IDK, there prob. is an easier way, but that has never been my style. Introspective tonight and GLAD to be here! I'M here and that is a MIRACLE!

Re-reading it was an out of body experience....I am not even sure I knew what was happening in the moment. Processing now, a year later.....holy.....BLEEP! and still IN IT.....Just keep swimming, just keep thing at a time. So many figure skating skills in use through this all.....not to mention the fact that I came out backwards and fighting the NORM since birth.....grin I can DO this.....for whatever reason, I was chosen for this and I CAN DO THIS! I BELIEVE....

I'VE MADE IT ONLY TO EMAIL 4700 starting from the bottom up...Lots more to cover....Nights for now, laying the memory of what I have uncovered to rest and will tackle more in the days to come....sweet dreams ♥

My hubby and mom never put ANY expectations on me as to what my day should look like...They feel my job is to get healed and feel better even if that takes a lifetime. I'm the one constantly needing to give myself the "it's ok to have a NO expectation" kind of day and for the first time in well, forever...I'm truly doing that. It's a "NO Expectation" day the difference between this day and all the other ones I gave myself permission to have is....."I DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!" Now that is a HARD journey to arrive to. I'm am so so Lucky to have the SUPPORT and love I do and I know that.....I WILL GET BETTER, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. So much LOVE ♥

Do we really know if spray tan is safe? We are all beautiful in the package GOD delivered us in. For me, pale as a ghost and own it everyday. All of you are beautiful!

Learning to feel beautiful with hair so thin it's almost time to be bald, no makeup, no eyebrows, and barely any lashes. I am forced to wear no makeup because of all the topical cremes I must put on. You know thing ever. I'm finally finding my happiness and my song from inside my heart. Best gift Cancer could have ever given me. Cancer has given me a contentment many people never achieve in a lifetime let alone at 35. For that, I am grateful. Acknowledge all those feelings of needing to be something or someone and deep down YOU are in there waiting patiently to say hi. When you meet that person, own her and let shining ray of sunlight begin ♥.

I couldn't be as strong as I appear to be without my hubby or my mom (and silently my dad for supporting my mom in being here)...They enable my life to resemble the norm...they help me to enjoy the wonderful things in life and pick up the slack in keeping it all together when I am tired or achie...or or or. We have become quite the team and I truly feel blessed to have so much understanding and support on a chemo that can be so confusing at times. My caregivers are my heros and I thank them! As for my intangible support, I thank you too. It's you guys that give me my strength :-) We've turned our world upside down to tackle this MONSTER and WE WILL DO THIS! WE ARE...

AIM Walk in NC Donation THANK YOU!

Falling off my seat first of all because of the generosity of YOU GUYS, but really for this complete and utter unexpected generosity from so many.....YES, I have cancer and YES at times it sucks balls, but it has taught me so much about inner peace, happiness, spirituality, what true love means and knowing I have that, and the list goes on. In so many ways I am so much better because of cancer and I truly feel like GOD chose me for whatever reason to lead this path with a smile on my face, a tear in my eye if necessary, celebrating my wins, and being consoled during my losses. I have purpose. I feel like I get to teach again without having a job, I have seen so much good in the human spirit, and really feel like it's my role to educate others about CANCER and just things in an authentic, unguarded way....I can't believe your generosity and I want you to know from the bottom of my heart how blessed i feel to know SUCH good/genuine people like yourselves and have them in my life. People in my life that I can just pick up the phone and talk to like no time has past. Love you guys and your beautiful family. Wishing you so many blessings in 2012. I believe in GOOD, I believe in matter what, I KNOW I WILL BE OK. Lots of love and many thanks....totally unexpected and super cool to support something of mine that for obv. reasons I'm incredibly passionate about. I WILL make it to NC and I WILL live to see a CURE and in the very least, Die trying and never giving up. Love ya girl,
Jen and Family

A Child's View of Thunderstorms

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?" The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."
May God bless you today and every day as you face the storms that come your way!

So sweet, if we all could hang on to the wonderful twinkle of life through a child's eyes....

finally, the fashion industry is supporting melanoma awareness....We need more light on this topic!

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