I know I may die...heck, we all are going to die and none of us know when. Somehow when a stage 4 melanoma diagnosis hits the airways at times things get awkward in relationships and many things change with what seems to be over night. I have experienced a lot of awkward moments in friendships, hardships within family members near and far, and know that in the end being open and honest with everyone is really the only way to be.
I received this email from a very close friend that I think so eloquently expresses what many close to me have been feeling but unable to put into words. No worries, I asked this person before posting, but if you can relate I completely understand. PLEASE know I understand this is hard....It's a hard for us all and I get that. I have many people that feel like because they are not here, they are not helping. Please know that is not the case either.
I'm focussing hard down here on keeping stress to a minimum, and staying as rested, active, and as positive as I can in my mind as I know that has a huge effect on the immune system. Hopefully I will see this to a cure, or at least all this treatment I am enduring let's me see the NED (No Evidence of Disease) Diagnosis. I do believe in miracles. In the meantime, know that I am content, I am happy and really HAPPY TO THE CORE IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT. We don't take all the stuff with us, so we are just focussed on keeping it simple.
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and feeling kind of bummed about what a crappy friend I've been. I won't lie, I felt a little "weird" after our last visit. Don't get me wrong - I loved seeing you and spending time with you. I guess I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated that I don't know what to do or say. I'm frustrated because I know that nothing I say can make anything better for you - I can't make the cancer go away. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to get my sh*t together so that I can be there for you more. I'm also frustrated that I can't truly 'relate' to your situation. I can try, but I don't know what it feels like to have cancer. I don't know what it feels like to go through what you are going through.
I'm so glad that you have found a group of "warriors" - people who can really relate to your struggle.
I want you to be able to be open and candid with me, but I also know that it isn't the same as talking to someone who is living it the same way you are.
I feel so guilty every time I complain about anything in my life. I know that isn't your intention, and I know that you still want to be able to talk to me (and your other friends) about "normal stuff", but I can't help it, I just feel so weird because I know that you have it so much worse.....
Anyways, I just wanted to be honest with you and let you know that my heart and my soul are with you, even if my brain and my emotions are still trying to figure out how to handle it. This is hard stuff - and I'm okay with it being hard. I'm just going to keep trying to figure it out. Keep trying to figure out the best way to be your friend. And you can tell me what you need. You can tell me what you need me to do as a friend.
So, I guess this is my apology for not handling everything the best that I could have, and my promise to try to do better.
I love you Jen, and it rips me apart that you are going through this. And, I would be honored to walk with you in November :)
Hope you had a good weekend and I will talk to you soon.
I NEVER FOR ONE SECOND FELT LIKE I HAD A CRAPPY FRIEND, BUT HONORED TO CALL THIS PERSON A TRUE ONE AS WRITING THIS DOWN WAS COURAGEOUS! MY HEART ACHES TOO AS I WOULD HAVE THESE SAME FEELING AS WELL AND JUST WANT TO FIX SOMETHING SO REALIZE I CAN EMPATHIZE ON THAT PART TOO.
Here is another wonderful thought process to think about....I live everyday to not have any of these regrets and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. How cool to have received this contentment at age 35, whether that means it's with me for 60 more years or 1...I'M HAPPY AND I'LL STAY THERE.
This has made that elephant in the room go away and I'm such a lucky girl to have all these kinds of people in my life. Even though you are not here....YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY HEART. That goes for friends and family near and far. Even when you feel like you are doing nothing. I feel your support and I am grateful. <3
LEAVING YOU WITH:
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...