Not much tonight in the eyes of anything profound or insightful, but rather a shout for a HUG. I'm feeling misunderstood today. Tired, achie, and kind of feeling like being with my melanoma peeps....Where I don't have to say anything but they know what you are thinking. I'm tired of being such a weak link for our family (it's how it feels tonight..I know in my heart I'm not, but still feelings are real) I feel guilty for not being able to see an end of my care in sight. Just down. I want to be able to support my family like I used too. It gets old being the one always needing something.
Yes everyone, Jen gets down...more often than you might think; however, I do admit it and somehow in all this HELL (pardon me) that has gone on, the little "downs seem to be able to be turned around quicker than they used to. I had a pitty party post today on Facebook. Here is what I said:
Having one of those exhausted, achie days where my words and actions are being misinterpreted. It's been a long morning. Going to rest and hopefully wake up forgetting about it. The truth is, sometimes the simple things in life are the hardest. Impossible to be UP all the time. I'm frustrated.
I was ok, and then I said:
I get so mad sometimes as to the stress Melanoma has on family...as we all know so well, money, tiime, childcare, worry, friction, the roller coaster and all in the center of the storm we sit trying to not feel responsible but with our lights shining high, our head up, our face feeling the wind just to FEEL and sometimes just sometimes this BASTARD just feels like too much for us all. I think I'm making some serious tear fuel for the fight tom. Night all.....
Still reading that darn paragraph over and over again....up down, up down...Mostly a down day. Conflicted in so much thought. It's what I do though...I go go go until I explode and well, I was due for an explode like a geiser that hasn't released it's steam in decades. :-o
In scrolling down my facebook page after my post, I read from a friend this quote that I must borrow because immediately it put my perspective back:
I'm glad that I have positive people in my life that can give me perspective when I feel tired. (Thanks Dorian!) This is where I feel like my angels are with me..."why did I have to see this not 15 min. into my pitty party post.....someone is watching over me...too many coincidences but read what I read and it def. can turn a pitty party around....
below is something to think about:
There was a blind girl who hates herself because she was blind. She hated everyone except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, " If I could see the world, I'd marry you". One day someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, incl...uding her boyfriend. He asked her, " Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at him for the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him. Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying; " Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine." This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what our life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who cant speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they are barren. Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets. Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one MAKER. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down-put a smile on your face and thank GOD you're alive! ~Zee
Well, as my day went it was filled up UPS and downs and quite frankly more downs than UPS as this day was a major struggle to stay UP. It was one of those days were I didn't really want to talk to anyone because no one really got my feelings and I was tired so it was harder and harder as the day progressed to get back up. Tonight, I'm reading that quote and I'm promising my family and myself that NO MATTER HOW DOWN I FEEL, I'm HERE AND THAT IS AN UP. re-reading this paragraph so I can have sweet dreams.
Please do to all of you as well... Signing off tonight a bit less chipper, but that's what it is....PITTY PARTY or not, I think we can all agree....
WE HATE MELANOMA AND THIS IS WHAT DRIVES OUR SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH AT TIMES...being REAL is what causes us to make a difference!
BTW, a teacher supply catalog came in the mail today....a SUPER BIG ONE! How funny that that little thing was a HUGE UP for me today. The little teacher dork in me got so giddy excited. I guess I still have the bug....So many fun things, I just love that stuff.
POOR ZACHARY, BUT HE LOVES IT TOO...PHEW, at least while he has no choice that is, grin