There has been a lot of heartache in the melanoma community in the past several months that it has been difficult to separate "Their Story" with "My Story" I have been experiencing a LOT of pain recently, it has self admittedly been tough seeing my family's sadness on their face that I FELT THAT IF I WAS NASTY ENOUGH AND PUSHED THEM OUT, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE THEIR HURT. THEY (MOSTLY JEFF AND MOM) MOSTLY HUGGED ME TIGHTER...WELL, THAT DIDN'T WORK!
I know a lot of us have big stuff going on too. To get my head out of the "emotion" and "drama" out of my head, I forced myself to make a chart: (this was learned through therapy)
What I know to be fact!
The other side:
"what I think to be true"
When actually doing this exercise, it's important to be authentically "honest" with your thoughts.
What I caught myself doing this past month really when I seemed to be losing myself (which u prob gathered I have been struggling from some of my posts). In doing this excercise, I feel like in finding my way back to ME. The ME I LOVE, the me that CAN. NO MATTER WHAT.
This past month, instead of living in the "facts/what I know", I have been living in the "what I think I know about my life and the way way melanoma will be in my life". That is completely false info that I have been misleading my emotions into thinking its good or it's bad and lately with all the hardship that has hit our community I've been allowing my positive brain to fill in the pieces as to my story IS going to end in sadness when in fact
I DON'T KNOW THAT. I DON'T. This tumor/lump showing up out of the blue and completely off guard you would think would be a fact to support all that negativity I have been dragging my family through.
I have been miserable almost to the point of being mean to Jeff, my mom, my family because I wanted to just be by myself and push everyone away because seeing the hurt on my family's face when I was hurting was almost too much for ME to handle, NOT TOO MUCH FOR THEM. They, meaning Jeff and my mom never wavered. As bad and self admittedly terrible I have been, they only HUGGED AND loved on me tighter.
This new knot (along with the stuff going on in CO) is kind of a smack in my face to remind me that
WE ONLY KNOW WHAT WE KNOW AND THAT IS AS FAR AS IT GOES. this is heavy and hard stuff. It's hard go admit about yourself and hard to have a scary illness that is inside your body and trying to kill it and still ALLOW people to love me.
I'm all over the place and I want all of you to know that I'm sharing a very private part of my heart in an effort to be vulnerable and in a way, grow an extra set of ARMOR to face this BEAST AND MONSTER AND SEE
to its forever resting place.
ONLY FACTS ALLOWED IN THIS GIRL'S VOCABULARY and I need Yi guys to call me on my BS WHEN U DON'T SEE ME DOING THAT.
I'm not perfect as I am flawed, but whatever, it takes to not lose myself and keep LIVING and not DIE before I am dead. Does that make sense? That is what I want you guys to to remind me go keep living. It doesn't mean I cant have a bad day, or a bad thought as some of the facts on that page I will write will be negative; however, it's really important to me,
I LIVE NOW
I LIVE IN TE FACTS!
Melanoma tried, but NOT SO FAST!
IT FAILED AGAIN :)
YES! I'm doing it <3