Thursday, August 11, 2011

My Babies are With Me...All of Them...

   So, this world is full of so many doors opening and closing that sometimes when a door shuts there is so much confusion as to how that could have possibly been the outcome that the next one opening is never seen.    There have been many of those instances in my life and for the most part, I strive to take the disappointment on the chin and be open and aware and not so closed off that I miss the door opening right in front of me.  This holds true in this experience as well.  Kind of goes along with the theme things happen for a reason.  Everything just makes more sense if we can attach a reason doesn't it?

     Jeff and I have been trying to give Zach a sibling since he was about 15 months old.  Some of you know and others don't, but in that time period to now I have had 3 miscarriages.  All very traumatic, but this last one was really hard considering I was nearly 20 weeks at the time of the loss and it was very recent.  I had my re-occurrence of Melanoma April of this year.  During this time I was pregnant and because of my previous two miscarriages we were being monitored extremely closely.  All looked good well past 14 weeks.  We were flying high as we truly felt like this one was for real.

     I then discovered a lump in my leg in April.  It was Easter weekend to be exact.  We found out it was malignant and planned on surgery to remove the lump while being monitored by a maternal fetal specialist.  I was in full maternity clothes, felt the baby moving and was very connected.  Surgery for the melanoma was sched. for May 11th which was a wed.  The Friday before my surgery I had an ultrasound where we discovered that the kidneys were not formed and the baby was given a lethal diagnosis.  Devastating is an understatement.  Without the kidneys working, the baby couldn't produce urine which is what the fetus drinks which in turn develops the lungs.  No kidney formation = No amniotic fluid (produced by the urine output) = No lung dev. and therefore, the baby could not survive.  I lost the baby just shy of 20 weeks and had the surgery to remove the fetus exactly 1 week after the removal of the 1st tumor.

     Now that I wasn't pregnant this led me down the path of getting my scans done.  Went in for the full workup...CT/MRI etc. all the things I couldn't do while pregnant.  This was just in May of this year and my scans came back CLEAR.  No signs of any metastasis.  This is why you should always know your body.  Melanoma is such a fast attacking monster.  From May 30th when my scans were clear to July when I noticed a funny bump on my scarline I went from nothing to it being everywhere in my body.  Stage 4.  I HONESTLY believe my child sacrificed itself in order for me to fight for mine.  I would have been due Oct. 16th.  So, of course I'm motivated to fight.  I have good reason.  I have my angels with me and 1 here, named Zachary that told me today that he was on my team.  The TEAM to get the Cancer out of mommy's body.  Of course I have to win this battle.  Of course I'm going to give it my everything.  Wouldn't you...Every mom knows the answer to that.  Of course you would.

     This loss this time tore me apart.  I just didn't understand why having a sibling for Zachary seemed so out of reach?  I was the one that wanted a mini preschool and it just didn't seem fair or right or to make sense.  I was hurt, lost, frustrated, and angry.  Everything is so clear now....

     I now have my answer and I know deep down, that those 3 precious babies are with me now.  They are there giving my the strength to fight.  I may not be able to touch them physically, but let me tell you...They are with me!  I feel like my precious angel who is now in Heaven died in order to give me a shot at surviving.  I won't disappoint.

Love to you all,




  1. Don't even know exactly what to say. I am so sorry to hear this, but I completely agree with there being a reason for everything.