In all this time where my illness turned from Stage 3 under control melonoma to this Stage 4 label, psychologically it has been incredibly difficult not only to comprehend, but also difficult to clearly articulate what I need. The bottom line is I don't know. Part of me has this strong desire to want to do everything while I can and another side talking convinces me that I should welcome the help. I'm so conflicted because taking over the day to day stuff and Zachary stuff makes me feel like my life is being taken over and I don't like that feeling even though I know it's coming from a helpful place. I really just wish I could get my "normal" back because I love doing it. I was hit with some of these emotions today and I just lost it.
When you look at me, I still don't look sick even though I may be in pain etc. It's hard for me to be such an insightful person and feel the unsureness and helplessness in people as they talk to me now with the Stage 4 diagnosis. I wish I could just go back to being "Jen". Illness is complicated. Something without warning can hit me in a second. I'm trying really hard to just be authentic with everyone and myself but it is so hard being in this position rather than the one giving the support.
We all know the realities of what we read, but also know the realities of not excepting that and accepting something bigger and better. I obviously march to the beat in my life to the latter, but there are times when my emotions take over and those statistics and realities become so real it's hard to not feel the need to prepare. I also don't want to spend my life preparing and want to live fully. See, I'm complicated...lol Today those realities came and they just came unexpectedly. There is so much change in our world at the moment and trying to do everything in my power to just BE and not think is the greatest challenge.
On a wonderful note, it is great to hang out with a long time friend that just knows me. One thing for sure is I am blessed to have wonderfulness in my life. I have gotten a lot of that wonderfulness from my friend Heather's visit this weekend. We laughed, have been silly, looked at pictures, played with Z, and it's nice to have that comfortableness to just say, can you leave for a bit, I just want to be alone. It's been great. Friday I had a ton of pain and ever since Friday night, the pain hasn't gone completely away but it's been lifted almost like a miracle... It made me think, why can't this be my miracle...Why not? Not sure if it's the advil they told me to take, having positive distractions, or a combo of both but really a noticeable difference. Life without that pain I felt on friday is awesome! I'll hopefully know more about my road ahead on tues. What would be the best music to my ears when I head to the dr. would be....WOW, what a miracle Jen you are cured! That's the kind of miracle I wish I could will myself into having. I wish I didn't carry around this heavy label. Too much living left to do.
As I leave you tonight I leave with these inspirational words:
There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. You realize that if you fall and stay down life will pass you by.
Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan. Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed , or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path or tried to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all.
Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake off the "whys" and "what ifs", and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was---is in the past. Whatever is---is what's important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. Today is here.
Walk your path one step at a time---with courage, faith, and determination. Keep your head up and cast your dreams to the stars. Soon your steps will become firm and your footing will be solid again. A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could have ever hoped to follow.
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your knew journey. You will find magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings.
----- Vicki Silvers